woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
