A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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