I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
