med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
