why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Michael Bay diarrhea
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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