I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
