Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
