sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
foreskin is a definite game changer
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
