Yo dont text me then not text me
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
