Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I want a musical about memes.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
