I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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