I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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