i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
