And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
