i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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