Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
