Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
