I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
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Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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