In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
