I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
