i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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