her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
