see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
