If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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