I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
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all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
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Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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