i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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