i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
