final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
you made out with another girl for some wings
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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