Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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