I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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