there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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