rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
