I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You dont lie about slip and slides
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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