I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
