Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
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the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
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He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.