I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.