She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
