tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
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you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
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he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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