Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
