They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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