I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
