Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
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