Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
