You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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