Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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