You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
