Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
