the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
