farters have to be the big spoon...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
