i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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