I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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