I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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