Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
