his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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