I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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