I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
