Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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