half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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