the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
