the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
