My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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