My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
