shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
