The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
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he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
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You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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